January 31, 2002

I'm a psycho artist. Or an artsy psycho.

Okay, I just got back from my color theory class. I'm not feeling so inadequate anymore. I think I'm doing pretty well. Holding my own at least. I'm thinking maybe I really can do this stuff -this art stuff. I'm behind, but I'm a fast learner. I keep telling myself, Drina, you're talented. Don't worry about it. It's just that I've been turning out crap for the last, uh... my whole life. But I'm comparing myself to other students, and I think I can hang with the rest of them. I'm not out of place here. I think.

I want to do art. Psychology is cool, and I'm doing well in there too, but I want to do art. And that's exactly what I'm going to do. My action plan? I'm going to work my butt off the next couple months to put together some quality pieces. Then, I'm going to enter them into the student show this May, hoping I get something in. Maybe do something for the Mill (campus literary & art publication), but submissions are due February 22nd. I hope I can do something. From there, I spend the summer in art classes.

This will happen. I'm going to make it happen. And I'll get my degrees (art and psychology) and I'll figure out my next move from there. I feel like running back to the art building and picking up my paintbrushes right now.

Pop-up comments disabled in Archives | Permalink

January 30, 2002

Sometimes they're right

I bought fortune cookies. The one I opened? Follow your honest beliefs to stay strong. I thought that was interesting. By the way, thanks Tom & Tina. It was nice of you to think of me. I appreciate it.

Pop-up comments disabled in Archives | Permalink

The foolish abound

I just got an e-mail petition to bring back prayer in school. When did it ever leave? Okay, so kids aren't forced to pray anymore. They never should have been in the first place. What happens if Islam (the fastest growing religion in the US) becomes more popular than Christianity? You want your kids to be forced to say Muslim prayers?

Now, I'm not trying to pick on muslims. Substitute any other set of beliefs, I still doubt most people would let their kids go to a school where they are forced to say or listen to prayers of a different faith. By the way, praying isn't illegal. There are plenty of opportunities to pray at school. Whether by joing a religious club or doing it silently. Why does prayer have to be loud and obnoxious? Any in any case, if you want your kids to be God-centered, that's your job, not your kids' teacher's.

Sorry, I had to vent about this one. I'm really tired of Christians getting a bad name just because some people want to be pushy.

Pop-up comments disabled in Archives | Permalink

Even more gratitide

I'm so glad I'm taking color theory. I'm up to the challenge, even though I'm pretty sure I have perception deficiencies in that area. I can't discriminate well between colors, which is kinda necessary in this field. Well, I'm sure I'll get better at it now. I'm still spinning from the paint fumes though.

I'm feeling a lot better, too. I mean, about all that being unsure stuff. I'm a college student. I'm supposed to be confused. If I'm sure about everything, I would be 90. But I'm not, so it's okay for now. I'll just keep doing whatever I've been doing, and that's that. I'll be painting really crappy pictures, making really crappy websites, and singing in the shower with my crappy voice. It's what I do best.

Pop-up comments disabled in Archives | Permalink

January 28, 2002

Yeah, one of those convos

I've been talking to my friend for the better part of two hours. A talk about hard things. Nothing urgent, but we've both been in this surreal state that's kinda hard to describe. I didn't really know she was going through the same thing, but even though it sucks that she's having the same bad feelings I am, I feel better just knowing that someone else feels that way too. I'm not a total freak.

We talked about a lot of stuff; school, relationships, friends, religion, God. Why we're becoming apathetic... or maybe not apathetic so much as unsure what is going on. How do you fix that? How do you give yourself the will to do what you know you should? This probably sounds a little ambiguous, but ambiguity has become a staple of my life.

I get so mad at myself, because I know that I'm lucky. So damn lucky... I have a family that gives a damn, friends that I can count on, an opportunity for education... I live in a country that recognizes me as a valuable human being, and not just as somebody's bitch. I sit at this desk and type on a computer --I've never really been without. I don't know what it feels like to need. Maybe to want, sure, but not to need. Not really. I'm so stupid for not being grateful for that. But I still have this massive thing, THING that's hanging on me, making me wonder what the heck is wrong. It's on my brain, my soul, or whatever. I don't know what to call it (I'm stupid like that). Why am I at this school? What am I supposed to be doing? Why am I such a hippocrite sometimes? Why do I want things that aren't good for me? Why can't (or won't) I do the right things? Why can't I snap out of this, get off this weird dream-like planet I'm on? Why are things so weird? What changed from six months ago? Six months ago, life was easy.

Why am I so unsure?

I need a swift kick in the ass. I'm like the little rich brat that sulks all the time (just with a lot less money). I'm a psych major, I should know what to do. I should shut up and start doing things. I shouldn't hide away just because things get weird. I've got a hardcore Bosnian heritage for pete's sake. I'm fierce. It's in my blood. Take responsibility for myself, that's what I need to do. Take care of the things that are my business to take care of; let God take care of the things that are His business to take care of. Most of all I need to stop making myself the focus of my life. That's where anxiety comes from. There are other people out there, lot's of them. People I love, people I don't know, people who need things I have.

Some people might have been on crack by now. But I'm not. Something to celebrate.

Pop-up comments disabled in Archives | Permalink

January 27, 2002

Wooo break!

I am excited. There's talk of Windsor in the air. Only two weeks into the new semester, and we're already planning a vacation. I don't think it'll be spring break. Maybe we'll take off after finals, which are only a short 13 weeks away. I'm ready to go somewhere. I've never been to Windsor, I heard it's fun. Boys. Gambling. Gambling and boys. I think I could use some of that. See, this is what college is doing to me. I'm turning into all of my friends.

I've been reading Night by Elie Wiesel. I don't want to say that it's sobering, because I don't think it would do any justice. I keep seeing images in my head of little Jewish babies being thrown into furnaces; people digging their own graves and being shot in the back. It's one of those things that stays in your head, even when you've stopped reading. And you might be taking a shower or watching a movie or driving to work, and suddenly the little Jewish babies pop into your head again. It makes me feel guilty for being excited about boys and gambling. I'm going to finish it tomorrow. I'm glad I'm reading it.

Pop-up comments disabled in Archives | Permalink

January 24, 2002

Techno hades

Okay, I'm back now from digital hell (otherwise known as having a messed up computer, being without the web, etc.) and I'm back online. I've missed it. I have a lot to say, and without my beloved blog I feel deprived. Now I'm absolutely positive that I'm completely incapable of expressing my thoughts and feelings without a keyboard. I blame my parents.

I started my new classes here. Other than the fact that I've started to seriously doubt my academic course I think Spring semester will go well for me. I have classes that will really help me, like color theory. I'll be able to look at objects and artwork with a more finely tuned artist's eye. The class seems like it'll be a bitch, but I think it will be a helpful bitch. I have some more art, but it's my psych classes that worry me. Now I'm starting to get into the nitty gritty of my major, and I'm not sure that I want to spend the rest of my life doing this. Doubts, I can't have them. This place is too expensive for me to be doubting now.

As if I'm not unsure enough yet, I'm having trouble in the friends department too. How exactly do you tell a friend that you're worried about them, without being a nosy judgemental idiot? I don't know how. I don't even know if it's my business to say something, because it's not like they're in any immediate danger, or anything. I'm just... concerned. And I hate saying that, because now I sound like a parent.

I had a dream that my friend was shot three times in the back and died. What does this mean? I don't know. My friend Steph said it's because I'm mad at him, which I don't think I am. Annoyed maybe, but not mad. Anyway, it scared the crap out of me. I don't want him to die, but I'm dreaming about it. What kind of freak am I? Maybe I can analyze myself, now that I'm a psychologist-in-progress. I guess I'll just wait to see what I dream of tonight.

A fortune cookie said I'm wise to be like the moon, showing only my bright side to the world. Funny thing is, I don't think I've done that thus far. Hmph.

Pop-up comments disabled in Archives | Permalink

This is my blogchalk:
United States, Ohio, Cleveland, English, Croatian, Drina, Female, 21-25, painting, psychology.

E-mail me