I worry about posting too much about death and sadness because nobody wants to read something depressing every day. So If I sound too depressing, I'm sorry. Things have actually been going well for me lately, but this accident brings back a lot of feelings and memories that aren't conducive to happy posting.
When I was in high school, one of my friends died much the same way, in a car accident while cruising with three friends. I remember the shock and grief that followed... all of the thoughts about how perverse and unnatural it was to see a parent burying their youngest child. It violates the natural order of things; children bury parents. It shouldn't be the other way around, but it is. Too often.
How does someone handle something like that? I'm a wreck when I have to put my pets down. Could I ever be strong enough to outlive my own child? How will they do it? I guess this is where the support network comes in. I'm glad that the Croatian community is to tight-knit up here. At least the families don't have to go through this alone.
Friday night some of my sister's friends were hanging out and driving around town. They plowed their car into a tree and one of them was killed. The others are hurt, and one is still in intensive care. Please keep everyone in your thoughts and prayers.
Thank you, people of the web, for making me addicted to Myspace. Now I'm obsessively checking to see how many people I know have pages of their own. I'm such a loser.
Yes, I finally did it, though it's still very much a work in progress.
http://www.myspace.com/drinavurbic
I decided since my friends think I'm powerful, able, and knowledgeable (you guys obviously don't know me very well) that I would dive head-first into the world of cooking. Or, at least cooking for beginners. Today after work I made myself some grilled chicken a la George Forman to put on my salad. It was actually quite tasty.
I've acquired a few actual recipes that require real cooking. I think tomorrow I'm going to try my hand at making some homemade sesame chicken. That is if I get enough courage.
I stole Tray. It's a Johari's Window. Basically, it's an exercize that shows how people perceive you compared with how you see yourself. Pick five traits from the options given that you think describe me. Then we'll see how similar my view of myself is to everyone else's view of me.
I discovered today that everybody I know has a MySpace web page. It started with my sister, who told me about her own account while working on the color scheme. So I take a peak at her page and find my brother, cousins, and other random people I know in her friends list. I am so out of the loop!
I know I have this big, fabulous domain and can do whatever I want with it, but I don't like being the last person in the universe without a MySpace page. I think I'm going to sign up for one. Lemming.
After a few months of non-stop Lean Cuisines and Chinese take-out from Chin's Pagoda, I think I'm finally ready to learn how to cook. I grew up on home made Croatian meals, so this quickie food just isn't cutting it. But cooking frustrates the crap out of me, because I just don't know what to do. All the time I spend watching the Food Network is apparently not helping.
I think I have to start small, just picking a few easy recipes that I can follow without setting off the fire alarm. That way I'll learn some of the basics, and hopefully I'll be able to come home after work someday and just whip up something without first scouring my copy of Cooking for Idiots. I've got my work cut out for me.
When I was in college, I had this psychology professor whose outgoing voicemail message went something like this.
Hi, this is Professor X, I'm not in my office right now, so please leave me a message along with your name and phone number and I will call you back. Choose to have a good day.
Some of my friends were really inspired by the advice, and for them it changed the way they approached life. It made them feel powerful to imagine they could choose to have a good day, rather than a good day being something that merely happened to them. But back then I thought it was just a catch phrase from someone that wanted everyone to know how enlightened she was. It was a little annoying, actually.
Lately I've been thinking about her advice again. I'm not sure what made me remember it, but for whatever reason it popped into my head. It's probably because in the last few weeks (or is it months? years?) I've had a string of bad days. I've been bummed out by missing my friends, anxious from work, bored by routine, and stressed from uncertainty about the future. And although these are probably normal things, they've made each day harder. I get mad when people cut me off in traffic, when I used to be pretty laid back about things like that. I get paranoid when someone cancels a date or appointment, when I used to brush it off. And I worry about everything, when I used to trust that everything will be okay. My days suck.
So I've been thinking about what my hyper-enlightened psych professor said, and am wondering if maybe she was on to something. Could I will my days to be better? Stop worrying by choosing to stop worrying? Stop being bummed by deciding to stop being bummed? I don't know. But the very idea sounds really good right now, because I'd love to have more control over the way I feel. So I'm beginning an experiment. For the next month, I'm going to choose to have good days, or at least try to. I'm starting now.
I ran out last night to buy a Valentine's Day card and some candy for my best friend. And no, that's not a euphemism for a boyfriend. It's a she, and she is my friend. Or more like a sister who's not actually related to me. She always gets me a card every year, and either candy or a cotton-stuffed something with some cheesy saying on it. I figured I'd do the same for her this time.
While I was fighting the last-minute crowd at Target to find a good, non-romantic card, it occured to me that every year I've been needlessly annoyed by this holiday, because even though it's primarily geared toward smarmy lovey-dovey couples, I, in all my single glory, can still tell the people I love that I love them. I guess it's not so bad.
And this time I do hope I get candy, even if it's from my mom.
I have so many things I want to write about, and I keep planning on sitting down to craft these long posts, but never do. Lately I've been feeling kind of foggy, so it's hard for me to get motivated to do things like blog. And even when I try, I have a hard time coming up with things to say. It's not that the ideas aren't there; they are. But words fail me.
My niece Maria has been walking all over the place lately. She can walk a good 6-8 consecutive steps before falling on her butt, and I've even seen her get up to 14. I'm just shocked by how fast she changes. A year ago she wasn't even born yet, and now she's roaming everywhere with nobody's help. This person, who not so long ago didn't exist, is here, changing everything. It's almost surreal... [Imagine long post about the wonder of life here].
I finished reading the Da Vinci Code yesterday at 4:00 in the morning. I kept telling myself, one more chapter, then I'll go to bed, until I was done. I normally don't like novels that hit the best-sellers list, but it's not often you find such a great fiction book with so much art history and symbology. [Imagine long post about missing the arts here].
I'm also not thrilled about Tom Hanks as the lead role. While I was reading it, I pictured Robert Langdon as more of an Anderson Cooper-like character.
I know it's hard to believe, but I'm finding myself more and more disgusted with my own government by the day. With all of the corruption involving Katrina response, connections to lobbyists and denials about connections to lobbyists, I've completely lost any faith I had that somehow, with all this crap, there are still some elected officials who are genuinely trying to do the right thing. All of that is gone now. [Imagine long post about the my obliterated idealism here].
But more so than that, what truly disappoints me is that through all of this, so many of my fellow countrymen still attack people who demand the truth. The other day I saw video of a senator claiming that any investigation into unwarranted wiretapping would help bring another terrorist attack, so we better stop asking questions. I wonder if anyone else heard echoes of Animal Farm. Play along or Jones will come back! You don't want Jones back, do you? [Imagine long post about parallels between Animal Farm and modern-day politics here].
Right now I'm still trying to figure out where I'm going to live. [Imagine long post about looking to start over here].
Someday, I'll resume long-post writing. Just not now.
Ten minutes was all it took, and now I'm mailing my return in hopes of a speedy refund. Well, maybe not speedy, but at least I don't owe anything. Cheers to that.
Stolen from Michelle!
Four jobs I've had:
1. Medical research assistant
2. Autism therapist
3. Customer Service Rep at the Y
4. Library page
Four movies I can (and do!) watch over and over:
1. The Royal Tenenbaums
2. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
3. Pirates of the Caribbean
4. Love, Actally
Four TV shows I love:
1. Gilmore Girls
2. The Biggest Loser
3. Iron Chef
4. How Do I Look?
Four places I've visited/vacationed:
1. New York City
2. Atlanta, Georgia
3. Zagreb, Croatia
4. Sarasota, Florida
Four of my favorite dishes:
1. Mac & Cheese
2. Fettucini alfredo
3. Sesame chicken
4. Chicken Paprikas
Four sites I visit daily:
1. MSNBC
2. Benedictionblogson.com
3. Hotmail
4. Cleveland Public Library
Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Sitting on Sarah's couch waching movies
2. In my basement painting
3. At home playing with Maria
4. In NYC shopping
I don't know if this happens to most pet owners, or if it happens to anyone else at all for that matter. But I'm starting to think that my rat, Weezie, models my eating and excersize habits. A few weeks ago I was in the middle of a weight loss frenzy and dropped 40 pounds. I worked out four times a week at the Y and ate small meals. Weez seemed to get a little more active himself. He dropped about 30 grams.
But now that Christmas put me on a diet detour that gave me 5 of those 40 pounds back, Weezie is doing nothing but stuffing his face and lounging on his hammock all day long. He's well over 700 grams now, which is really big for a rat. Think big, hairy football. And no matter how much time I give him outside his cage, he doesn't do much. He'll stroll around for all of five minutes, then retreat back to his hammock.
I know that pets supposedly look like their owners, but I always thought it had more to do with hair do's and things like that. Is it possible for an animal to pick up eating and excersize habits?!
My friend's dad had emergency surgery last night. When I left the hospital he was doped up on morphine, but seemed to be doing okay. I knew it was only a matter of time before we had to start dealing with our parents' mortality, but it seems too soon to be confronted with these things now.
Germs.
Sneezing as the result of germs.
Sore nose as the result of sneezing as the result of germs.
But Aunt Drina, could you really ever hate me?
No Maria, but if you get me sick again I'm making you wait until your 12th birthday for your nose ring.
Lately I've been listening to way too much depressing music, and I have a sneaking suspicion that all of the Smashing Pumpkins and Fiona Apple tunes (and let's not forget REM's finest bummer song, Everybody Hurts) have been feeding my less-than-ecstatic mood of late. I should really know better than this. For crying out loud, I study depression for a living!
Maybe I should put Shiny Happy People on my playlist. If I could only listen to that song without feeling so dizzy.
What I love:
