Monday January 28, 2002

Yeah, one of those convos

I've been talking to my friend for the better part of two hours. A talk about hard things. Nothing urgent, but we've both been in this surreal state that's kinda hard to describe. I didn't really know she was going through the same thing, but even though it sucks that she's having the same bad feelings I am, I feel better just knowing that someone else feels that way too. I'm not a total freak.

We talked about a lot of stuff; school, relationships, friends, religion, God. Why we're becoming apathetic... or maybe not apathetic so much as unsure what is going on. How do you fix that? How do you give yourself the will to do what you know you should? This probably sounds a little ambiguous, but ambiguity has become a staple of my life.

I get so mad at myself, because I know that I'm lucky. So damn lucky... I have a family that gives a damn, friends that I can count on, an opportunity for education... I live in a country that recognizes me as a valuable human being, and not just as somebody's bitch. I sit at this desk and type on a computer --I've never really been without. I don't know what it feels like to need. Maybe to want, sure, but not to need. Not really. I'm so stupid for not being grateful for that. But I still have this massive thing, THING that's hanging on me, making me wonder what the heck is wrong. It's on my brain, my soul, or whatever. I don't know what to call it (I'm stupid like that). Why am I at this school? What am I supposed to be doing? Why am I such a hippocrite sometimes? Why do I want things that aren't good for me? Why can't (or won't) I do the right things? Why can't I snap out of this, get off this weird dream-like planet I'm on? Why are things so weird? What changed from six months ago? Six months ago, life was easy.

Why am I so unsure?

I need a swift kick in the ass. I'm like the little rich brat that sulks all the time (just with a lot less money). I'm a psych major, I should know what to do. I should shut up and start doing things. I shouldn't hide away just because things get weird. I've got a hardcore Bosnian heritage for pete's sake. I'm fierce. It's in my blood. Take responsibility for myself, that's what I need to do. Take care of the things that are my business to take care of; let God take care of the things that are His business to take care of. Most of all I need to stop making myself the focus of my life. That's where anxiety comes from. There are other people out there, lot's of them. People I love, people I don't know, people who need things I have.

Some people might have been on crack by now. But I'm not. Something to celebrate.