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Monday February 25, 2002

One of those nights...

Wow do I have a lot to write. Last night I got home at 2:30 and was just in a writing mood. It was kind of strange, actually. I was debating whether to actually re-print it here, but I figure that since this is my free speech forum, I should go for it. It doesn't really make much sense:

Disclaimer: this is one of those things written too late in the night to make sense the next morning. Clarity or nonsense, I can't decide. It's Saturday night (Sunday morning, really) and I'm in a writing mood. So I'm writing. I'll be getting up for work in about 6 1/2 hours, but I don't care.

I've had this little burst of insight, and I'm afraid to not write it down. So here it comes: I now realize that I've been cheap for the better part of my life. Not in terms of dollar bills, but more of honesty and inter-personal exchange. A lot of people have asked me when the hell I'm going to stop being so damn guarded. I had no idea what they meant then, but I do now. When I was a kid, I let everything out (usually in the form of crying fits!) but learned growing up to stop that, to the point where I never say what's on my mind. Worse yet, I hardly tell people important things, like how much they mean to me. Wow, I feel like I'm on crack.

Well, I want to spill. Self-censorship sucks. I usually refrain from speaking my heart/mind (and from getting even remotely emotional) because I'm always afraid it will come back to bite me in the ass. And vulnerability is a fear of mine. But that's stupid (and cheap). I guess I want to say some things now. Not that I think they'll be read. I just figured I'd throw it out there.

Eric, I love you and I hate you. Where the hell are you right now? I have no idea where you went and why you left, but whatever it is, I'm cool with just being friends. I don't want this to end up with the two of us never talking again. That's stupid. I miss you. Really.

You know what else I miss? Late-night phone calls before I go to sleep. Not getting enough of someone. Minute-and-a-half long hugs. Accidentally getting kicked in the middle of the night. I guess I'll just have to look forward to these things with someone else. God how cheesy was that?

Sarah, you're my best friend. When we were six, I thought you were a brat. I still think you're a brat. Remember when we were 15, and we went walking from the Coffee House, and we saw those two women walking the other way? And we both thought, damn, that's us in about 20 years. I hope that is us in 20 years. We've dealt with too much drama and good stuff and bad stuff and boys, etc. to not be stupid friends forever. I'm still mad at you & Nicole for freezing my underwear at your 12th birthday party. I will never again fall asleep first.

Jo, you always made me feel like family. You put up with me as a bratty kid, and then as a bratty teenager, and now as a bratty college student. You were mother-like enough to care about me and call me your "other daughter," but cool enough to drive me to the tattoo place and get me drunk before I was old enough. What would I do without you?

Klara, how many people can honestly say that their sister is probably one of their best friends? You're a shmuck and sometimes I want to smack you, but I'm glad you're my sister. Who else would I sing (terribly) with in the car to Matchbox 20? Ante, you're a shmuck too, but I wouldn't change that. You're over-protective, but that just means you give a damn. And don't worry about protecting me from your beautiful asshole crew. I'm fierce. You're a great brother.

Tina, I'm glad we're friends. You make me want to do better in life, especially when I lose perspective of things that are important. Jen, I'm glad you're my room mate, even though you like country music. Lou, you are a fabulous diva if I ever saw one. Steph, thanks for listening to my crap, and for not holding it against me when I'm always MIA. Your scandelous stories make my life more interesting. Brandon, you kick ass. Sorry for not visiting you. Trent, there's nobody I would rather have l.m.v.w. You're beautiful. Erin, where are you? Do you remember when you broke that ruler in 3rd grade, and we both kept half? I do.

Murf, I still remember the first time I met you. I believe your first words to me were, "You're Ante's sister? You're so cute, I can't believe you're related!" Me either. Anyways, I had no idea back then that in eight years you would become my sister-in-law. But I'm happy you are. Ante couldn't have done better. I love your whole family. They've always made me feel like I was part of the Murphy clan. Karen, your parents, Grandma Murphy and Wolfe (and sexy Brian).

Mrs. McLaughlin, you were someone that made me feel special, important, and talented. I'm grateful for that. I'm sorry I never gave you the video I shot of your party. I'm stupid like that.

Ingrid, I'm sorry we're not friends anymore. That's my fault. I hate having to make polite conversation when I see you, instead of talking like friends. Marko, you're one of those people I know will be around for damn near forever, even though I don't get to talk to you much (save for some AIM conversations). Damn near forever is good, because my childhood friends are priceless to me. You guys were around for all the good stuff: fights, birthday parties, playing tennis at Memorial, skipping class in high school to take the bus downtown for Saint Patty's, getting lost in Chagrin Falls, class trips to NYC, painting our faces for Euclid football games (yes, I'm still in love with #60, 1994).

Mike, I know this is pointless because you can't read this or hear me, but I haven't forgotten about you. You were another shmuck, calling me Elvira when I dyed my hair black. I wonder what you would be like if you were still here, but God takes you when He wants you, I guess. Seeing you after the accident, that was the last time I really remember crying my eyes out. Put in a good word for me up there.

Teta Micika, you spoiled me with understanding when no one else really would. That meant a lot to me. Mike, if you didn't have a girlfriend, I'd be seducing you right now. Dan, you're an asshole, but you're a good friend to my brother. But you're still an asshole, Asshole. Frances, I heard through the grapevine that you've been asking about me. I've been asking about you. Tony, I used to call you my brother's friend. I'd like to call you my friend, too.

Let's see, do I have anything else? Right now I'm wearing pink underwear from Victoria's Secret. Pink. I know, sacreligious. I bet Sarah will pee herself when she reads that. I don't care. I'm in a sharing mood. But I'm going to have to wait for other things to share. I'm tired right now.

Phew. Okay, that really did sound stupid, but last night I meant it. I've now typed this three times, because it kept being deleted. Maybe it's a sign that I shouldn't share, but I've been ignoring all the obvious signs that have been glowing around me my whole life. I'm not about to start paying attention to that now. I need to go do my art poject. I have a lot to do.